When Your Friend Wants to Be Your Clone … Or You Want To Be Hers

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Hi girls!  Hannah here. We’re cruising right through our Friendship Flubs Series, and I’ve loved your responses.  This week?

Cloning.

Yes, that’s right, cloning!  But not creepy science lab stuff where they try to make exact copies of human beings. (Think: another person just like your little brother – freaky, huh?)  This time when we say cloning we’re talking about us trying to force our friends to be just like us, and dealing with it when they try to clone US.boy 1

WHAT IT IS: I don’t think any of us would actually say, “I want you to be just like me, please.”

But we act that way sometimes.

When your friends like a food you hate, and you curl up your lip.  When they want to see another princess movie, and you tell them they’re acting like little kids.  Or when they want to try a new sport, and you say, “Why would you want to do that?  They have practices on the same night that we always hang out!”exercise 2

We want them to be like us.  Like the same food, same movies, same activities. It’s annoying when somebody constantly copies US, so why wouldn’t it be totally irritating to THEM we do it?

WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE OF IT: This creates a TON of friction!  Two people being exactly the same is crazy talk!  And your friendship will start to feel more suffocating than fun and uplifting.  Besides, it doesn’t leave room for you to be supportive friends and cheer one another on.  How sad.

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And we all know life can’t work like that, right?  Paul in the Bible knew that too.  He’s got a whole paragraph about us Christians (1 Corinthians 12) and how different we are, and how our differences join together to make one amazing body of Christ.unique tweens

How boring would church be if every single person was a preacher?  Or every single person sang a solo every week?  Every single person volunteered at the soup kitchen?  Okay,  wait  … that one might be good but still.  You get my point.  We can’t all be the same.  God doesn’t want us to be clones when we’re serving Him, so we definitely shouldn’t have to be the same with our friends either.

Differences can annoy us, I know.  I’m naturally a little quieter, so if I come across a chatty person, I can start to get a headache. hit over the head But we need chatty people in the world.  If everyone was quiet like me, nothing would get said.  We have to have variety.

Besides, clones are creepy.

HOW TO FIX THE FLUB:  So what do we do when a friend is different than us, and that difference is getting on our nerves?       life preserver

  • First we pray. We always pray first.  We ask God to show us WHY this bugs us so much, and we say, “God please calm me down because I know You don’t want me grumpy like this.”
  • Then we give things another try. We remind ourselves that a sandwich needs peanut butter AND jelly, and so we need to give our friends space to be different.  We’re allowed to like a quiet hour playing the piano and they’re allowed to like a rough and tumble hour of rock climbing.African American girl
  • And third, remind yourself that it’s OKAY to have more than one friend. This isn’t like a stomping-away tantrum: “Then fine!  Guess I’ll find someone else to be my friend!”  This is just a friendly reminder from me that not everyone can be the same, and it’s okay to make a friend in your theater class if your best friend decided aSHER'S FRIENDS DRAWING   not to try out this year.  More friends are great.

I know you mini-women are a bunch of sweethearts and you probably aren’t mean when your friend wants to try something different that doesn’t interest you at all.  But this post is just a reminder to stay that way as you get older, and to not freak out and think your friendship is drifting apart.  It’s not.  And you could be your friend’s biggest cheerleader on the sidelines.  You’re two different people, and that’s more than great – that’s what God wants.

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IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO GOD: In your Talking to God journals this week, ask God if you have any cloning issues. Own those times when you’ve made a friend feel bad for wanting to try something fun or new, and ask God to help you be more understanding next time. And if you have a friend who wants to be your clone, talk to God about what to say to her – in love..

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A COMMENT: Chat with me below!  Have you ever pressured your friend to be more like you, or have you ever felt pressured yourself?  Where did you go from there?

Blessings,

Hannah   Hannah writing

PS – Don’t forget to send your submissions to Nancy if you haven’t already for Mini-Makers April/May. She needs them by Friday, May 19. Click here for more info.

Friendship Flubs: The Drama Queen

drama-queenHelloo, Tribelet of amazing Mini-Women! Isn’t it just so good to be back in our rhythm again? That’s the thing about communities — we can go for a while not hearing from each other but eventually we need to be back in touch.

That’s  one of the reasons we’re doing our Friendship Flubs series: because it can be hard to get past some of the mistakes we make as friends and come together again. And one of those mistakes happens when somebody in a friend group is …

A DRAMA QUEEN

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WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: This is when a girl (maybe even you … just sayin’) turns everything into a reason to burst out crying or screaming or to declare all-out war. It doesn’t even have to be over something big, and usually it isn’t. Here are some examples:

SUSAN: (in a low voice) Um, Cara, you have a little booger coming out of your nose. You might wanna wipe it off.

CARA: (in a freaking-out voice) Thanks for embarrassing me! You always do that! Now everybody’s going to think I’m gross.

horror

JENNY:  Lauren took Ashley to the mall Saturday instead of me, and I’m her best friend. I’m not speaking to her until she says she’s sorry.

GRACE:  Then neither  are we. THEN she’ll know what it feels like to be left out.

inner-critic-rebekah

LYDIA: We were both gonna wear our pink hats today. Where’s yours?

HILLARY:   Aw, man! I forgot!

LYDIA:  No you didn’t! You left it home on purpose!

HILLARY: I didn’t! I promise!

LYDIA: If you didn’t want to wear it you coulda just told me. Now I feel like a total idiot!

WHAT IT ISN’T: This isn’t just about some girls being more sensitive than others or having bigger emotions

bryn-christopherGetting your feelings hurt easily is being sensitive. Having a total freak-out over every little thing? Not so much. And it’s not just hormones out of control. Being a little weepier than usual could be from bouncing hormones, but we don’t get to blame all full-blown blowups on puberty.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEBODY’S ALWAYS A DRAMA QUEEN:

     * hurtful things get said that can’t be un-said

     * other friends get drawn into it and before you know it you’ve got a reality TV thing going on aSHER'S FRIENDS DRAWING

    * the friendship stops being fun because there’s always an issue to be cried over and somebody is always in the girls’ restroom needing to be talked out of the crazy tree

  *  anger, fights and hysteria get to be a habit and soon nobody knows how to react to anything without losing it

  *  people get sick of it and move on — the end to what could’ve been a great friendship running-away

HOW TO FIX IT:

    If YOU are the drama queen … give up your crown by

   (1) Deciding what’s really worth going off about. Laugh off tiny comments that weren’t actually said to hurt you. Shrug off your friend’s occasional bad day. Save your  big reactions for things that truly matter to you, like somebody being mean to you on purpose

(2) Finding out the facts involved. Does your friend know you’re super sensitive about your freckles or your brother who’s always in trouble? Did she invite that other girl to go someplace with her because her mom made her? Having all the information usually heads off a blowout. Asher girls

(3) Speaking up sooner about the things you have good reason to be upset about. If you tell your BFF the first or second time she teases you about how hopeless you are in math — and do it calmly and reasonably — the resentment won’t build up in you until you explode.

(4) Talking to an adult you trust if you just can’t seem to control all the tears and the hateful words that spew from your mouth before you can stop them. There is always a reason for the things we do, and sometimes they go down deep. Ask for help.

(5) Remembering that nobody’s life is non-stop drama. A little boring can be a relief! girl-smiling

If your FRIEND is the drama queen, you can help her by —

 (1)  Letting her know how you feel about her dramatic performances at a time when she isn’t having one. (Talking to her when she’s in the middle of a tirade will only make it worse) Let her know you love her and want to keep being friends, but you’re really not into all the drama

  (2)  Not letting her draw you into a production you don’t want to be part of. Academy Awards Remove yourself from the situation or just say, “Y’know what? I think I’ll stay out of this. ” LATER you can tell her that the whole tragic thing just isn’t your jam and you’d rather talk things over like the mini-women you are.

   (3) Being really careful about teasing your friends, even when you’re doing it in fun.  This doesn’t mean it’s your fault that your CFF cries and carries on. But you’ll be a far better friend over all if you don’t give people reasons to be resentful. inner-critic-asherFor example, your friend (even a non-drama queen) might laugh it off the first two times you tell her she’s a complete klutz, but if you keep it up, she’s going to start to hate it. And if she’s a DQ she’s going to  … well, you know. Here’s the deal: teasing is supposed to be fun for everybody involved. If it isn’t, it becomes taunting, which you can’t make okay by saying, “I was just kidding!”

   WHAT NON-DRAMA LOOKS LIKE:

  SUSAN: (in a low voice) Um, Cara, you have a little booger coming out of your nose. You might wanna wipe it off.

  CARA: Yikes! (she goes after it with a Kleenex) Is it gone?

  SUSAN: You’re good.

CARA: Thanks for saying something. All I needed to do was walk into class with that hanging out of my nostril. Benjamin would call me Snot Nose until we go to college.

Ana's journal 2

TALKING TO GOD ABOUT IT: If you want to write in your journal, tell God if you think you might be a DQ or if you have a friend who qualifies as one. Ask for help whichever side you fall on. God completely understands that it can be tough to be a tween girl with so many emotions bubbling inside you. God’s got this.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A COMMENT (and we hope you do): Tell us about any drama going on with your friends. Share with us whether anything in this post has helped you. And of course, pray for each other. That’s one thing you can never flub up on !

Asher tween you and me logo

Blessings, Nancy Rue

   PS — There will be a post on the Clone Friend Thursday and our Mini-Makers post for April AND May on Monday. Get your submissions in by Friday (May 19) and click here for more information about that.

I’m BA-A-A-A -CK !!!

convalescing 2

Hello, my Tribelet of precious Mini-Women! You have been so patient these last few weeks. As you can see from the picture, I had a big ol’ surgery on my foot and have had to get around with my knee on that  thing that looks like a tricycle. This is what healing has been looking at at my house (The spinning wheel is my daughter’s; that’s not one of MY gifts!) My office, where I can write blog posts for you, is not where I could get to it (lots of stairs in my house).

And y’know what else? It takes a bunch of energy to let your body heal …

day one after surgery

It’s happening, though. God made our bodies to be amazing, and mine is doing exactly what it’s supposed to. Just slowly …

It helps to have as much fun as possibleme on scooter

To soak up the sun’s healing rays …

outside with scooter

And to keep smiling. Thinking of you and the fun stuff we’ll do when I’m back up to speed (literally!) has helped just as much. Here’s what that looks like:

     * Tomorrow, May 16, I’ll publish for you our next Friendship Flub — the Drama Queen drama-queen

     * Thursday, May 18, we’ll publish Hannah’s post — the Clone Friend.  twins

     * On Monday, May 22 we’ll do a BIG post for April and May Mini-Makers together, so if you want to share something and you haven’t sent it to me by email yet, you still have some more time — until Friday, May 19. girl artist(And if you’re new here on Tween You and Me and You Have NO Idea what Mini-Makers is about, just click here.)

If you want to comment, just tell us YOU are back too and we’ll take it from there. And let’s all thank our Hannah for answering all your comments and letting you know that the Tribelet is still alive and well!

Blessings, Nancy Rue     slipper socks

 

Friendship Flubs: The Green-Eyed Monster

green eyed monsterHello, Tribelet of Amazing Mini-Women! Hannah here, with our next Friendship Flub … The Green-eyed Monster.

     We all know what that means right?  Jealousy.  Someone else has something, and we want it so badly that we start looking at them in a mean way. And then the trouble REALLY starts. green eyed mosnter 2

WHAT IT ISN’T:

     Now, it not ALWAYS wrong to want something that someone else has.  Maybe your BFF is really good at art, and you seeing her draw pushes you to put more effort into sketching something every day, to get better.  girl artistMaybe another CFF is great at running, and you wish you were, so you start walking and jogging a little more to get in shape.  Sometimes wanting what someone else has inspires us to be better people, and that’s not wrong!

WHAT IT IS:

     What would be wrong is this: “Ugh she’s so good at art, what a snob.  She just can draw something right off the bat, how annoying.”  OR  “She runs constantly, like, get a life.”

See what happened there?  We called our friend a snob, annoying, and told her to get a life.

Yikes.  Um, not nice. green eyed mosnter 3

We might think thoughts like that aren’t THAT bad.  Hey, we were just having a bad day, and we didn’t say it to her face.  We were just a little annoyed, we let off some steam, and we’re good now.

WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE OF IT:

    But mini-women, I have bad news for those of us who think and mutter negative stuff.  That stuff poisons us from the inside out!  Our hearts and minds get twisted and ugly and soon enough (even if your friends don’t know this) we’re just a grumpy old troll, thinking grouchy thoughts all day.  And that CAN’T be good for a friendship, am I right? troll

Jealousy is a poison.  It really is.

And the hilarious thing about jealousy is EVERYONE does it, and it’s always about different things.  Your artsy friend might think about you, “She finishes her homework so early, and it’s always done so well.  smart girlI get distracted so much; I just can’t keep up with her.”

Meanwhile, you think your artsy friend is so perfect and of course SHE would never be jealous of anything because again, she’s so perfect.  Baloney!

HOW TO FIX IT:

     You can’t help it when jealous thoughts show up in your head.  But you CAN help letting them hang out there.  Don’t do it.  Just don’t.  Here’s how:

     (1) Admit, at least to yourself, that you’re jealous. Don’t blame it on your friend because she has something good going for her.

    (2) Accept that everybody has both talents AND flaws. No point wishing you were perfect like your BFF because, um, she isn’t! ashers-rock-star-drawing

    (3) Realize that even though jealousy is human, it isn’t an excuse for treating your friend badly. She hasn’t done anything wrong.

    (4) Turn your jealousy into a compliment. Tell her you’re proud of her. Celebrate with her. It feels way better than pouting.Asher girls

   (5) Develop your OWN fabulous talents. You’ll be so busy enjoying being you, there won’t be room for being jealous of anyone else

GOT GOD? bible-talking

     A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.  Proverbs 14:30

Pretty clear choice eh girls?  Life or rot.  Not really much room for gray areas.  Let’s lean on God here and be at peace with who we are.

In your Talking to God Journals this week, ask God to show you areas that you are feeling jealous towards your friends.  ashers-girl-writing-in-journalAsk God for some positive words you can say about your friends when you’re feeling that green eyed monster creeping up. And definitely ask God to show you that you are pretty amazing yourself.

Want to post a comment? Tell us what makes jealousy flash its monster eyes in YOUR head.  We can pray about it together! inner-critic-asher

As always, I’ll go first.  There’s probably lots of times I get jealous, but a big one for me is clothes and makeup.  I’m just not good at makeup and I don’t have a lot of trendy clothes, so I can definitely feel jealous about it, when I see someone who’s gorgeous and put together perfectly.

Love you mini-women!  Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.         Hannah writing

Blessings,

Hannah

Friendship Flubs: Boots vs. Doormat

Hannah writing Hello Amazing Tribelet of Mini-Women! Hannah, here.   I am LOVING this Friendship series.  You’re never too young — or too OLD! – to learn how to be a better friend.

  This week’s topic has us splitting people into 2 categories.  Think about which kind of friend you tend to be as you read through this post.

We’re talking about the Boots …bootsvs. the Doormat     doormat

Are you the Boots?  The friend who always decides what you’re gonna do on girls’ night?  The friend who has to win every argument? Who gets annoyed when people think differently from her?tattling

In case you’re thinking that Boots Friend sounds awful, hold on.  Doormat Friend isn’t much better.

Maybe you’re the Doormat.  You get your feelings hurt or get annoyed at a comment but you say nothing. sharing-fear Or your CFFs ask you what movie you want to watch, but you say every time “I don’t know.” You have deep thoughts and ideas and opinions but, once again, you never say them!

Boots Friend is too bossy and Doormat Friend doesn’t have self-confidence.  What a pair, right?

Now, before you think that both of these kinds of people sound like not so-great-friends, let’s put a positive spin on this real quick.

Boots may have seen a movie last week that was SO awesome and she cares about you so much that she knows you just HAVE to see it. movies She knows that you’ll be so blown away, and she wants you to give it a chance.  She’s not trying to be bossy – she wants to have fun with you!

And Doormat, when she won’t tell you where she wants to eat, or admit that your comment about her new leggings looking weird hurt her feelings – she’s choosing grace instead of conflict. leggings She’s happy to hang out with you and so she’ll watch whatever movie.  And she knows you didn’t try to hurt her feelings about your clothes, so she sees no reason to get into a tiff about it.

Still, no matter what group you’re in, there’s room for improvement.

Boots girls, you’ve gotta remember that other people have a voice.  If you get together with someone, and later you think, “Wow that was so fun.  We did everything I wanted to do tonight”, then remind yourself that you aren’t the only one in this friendship. Decide that next time you’re going to go to the volleyball game with your besties even though you can’t stand sports.  volleyballBecause your friends matter just as much as you do.  And seriously, you don’t want to get to the point where they don’t want to hang out with anymore. Yes?

And Doormat girls, God gave you vocal chords and a brain for more than just raising your hand and giving the answer in math class.  Think about what you want and speak up.  Sure, it’s fun to hang out with friends, but not if you can never eat the food they bring, or you never like the movies they pick.  That might only make you a little grumpy the first time, but guess what?  Grumpiness grows.  frightened-turtleIt simmers and boils and gets hotter and hotter over time and suddenly you blow up at your BFF.  And she has NO idea what you’re talking about because you waited forever to say anything.

When I was writing this, one verse kept coming to mind.

Let your conversation always be full of grace, seasoned with salt… (Colossians 4:6a)

It kept sticking in my head because it’s such a good reminder of how to talk to people.  Salt in this case stands for truth.  saltSo your words should be FULL of grace, but seasoned lightly with salt. I mean, what would mashed potatoes taste like without some seasoning, right?

In other words, say the truth about how you’re feeling about what movie the girls picked, but say it with grace — sensitive to their feelings.  Don’t hit them over the head with the truth in the name of, well, telling the truth!  hit over the headChoose grace instead, and you’ll get your point across.

     Graceless: You know what? If I have to watch one more Disney movie, my head is going to explode. Enough with the princesses already!

    Gracefull: Can we look at our other choices? I think we might be Disneyed out right now.

    That goes for Doormat and Boots alike. See the difference?

In your Talking to God journals this week, have a chat with God about which kind of friend you tend to be. How can you speak up before you explode, or be less bossy when it comes to making friend-group decisions.  Asher tween you and me logo Ask God about ideas to make your friendships more balanced and equal. After all, it was God who created the whole idea of girlfriends in the first place.

And chat with me in your comments, will you? What do you think you are, Boots or Doormat?  What do you like about it, and what do you, well, not like so much?

Me? I’m a Doormat for sure!  I never want to speak up and cause a ruckus!  Hannah and meBut in the end, I don’t want to be walked over either.  I’m learning to slowly raise my hand and say, “Hey, I don’t think I like this.  Could we try something else?”

Love ya mini-women, Boots and Doormat both!

Blessings,

Hannah  P.S. Don’t forget submissions for the April Mini-Makers post are due to Nancy by Monday, April 17. Just attach your stories, pictures, photos or poems to an email to Nancy.

Friendship Flubs: The Mind-Reading Game

mind readingHello, amazing Tribelet of Mini-Women! And welcome Donita, our newest member. If I’ve missed anyone please let Hannah and me know in a comment.

So, how are you liking the Friendship Flubs series? Is it helping? Some of you, like Rebekah, have asked questions about some FF problems we haven’t covered  yet and we appreciate that. running-from-fearNow we know what topics you want to hear about — and we’re on it.

TODAY we’re going to talk about The Mind Reading Game. You know the one …

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: mind reader

This is when friends expect each other to know what they’re thinking and feeling without having to say anything. It’s like being best friends means you can see into each other’s brains.

Really?

Seriously?

     EXAMPLE: You and your friend are having lunch at school. Everything is going great, and then all of a sudden she stops talking to you. You ask what’s going on but all she’ll say is, “You know what you did.”  You sort through your entire brain trying to figure out what the Sam Hill she’s talking about. You ask again. You beg. Then you yell, and she yells back, “You took my cupcake!” cupcakeBut you didn’t take her cupcake. Some absurd little creep boy did, and he’s been laughing the whole time. Your friend wasted a whole afternoon over THAT.

WHAT IT ISN’T: Close friends can sometimes finish each other’s sentences, but a REAL friend should be able to come right out and says she’s mad or upset and why. Especially if YOU have made it safe for her to say what she needs to without worrying you’ll pinch her head off. mind reading 2 If your friend can’t read YOUR mind, it definitely isn’t a reason NOT to be friends. Besides, do we WANT people to know everything we’re thinking? That’s a little scary!

WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE OF IT:

     Friends who fall into the mind-reading trap can make big holes in their friendships instead of talking things out. One friend ends up telling everybody ELSE what she’s mad about EXCEPT for the one person who actually needs to know. aSHER'S FRIENDS DRAWINGAnd as for, “If you don’t know then you’re not really my friend!” … that’s going to take you nowhere you want to go.

HOW TO FIX IT:

Here are some steps that might help you:

     (1) Decide you’re not going to expect your friend to know what’s bothering you. You can’t read HER mind, so why do you think she can read yours?

     (2) If your friend has hurt your feelings or she’s getting on your last nerve, be honest with her. You don’t have to yell. Just say it the way you would want her to say it to you. love-neighbor

   (3) Don’t share your issues with her to everybody else on the planet — or even one or two other people. She’s the only one who needs to hear about it, unless you want to run it by an adult you trust first.

    (4) If your friend expects you to read HER mind, remind her that’s not one of your many talents. rudeAssure her you’re not going to blow up in her face when she tells you what’s wrong. And then , of course, DON’T blow up!

   (5) Make a pledge with your friends that you’re always going to try to work things out.

   EXAMPLE:

    NICOLE: Are you made at me?

    JENNA: Yeah, kinda.

   NICOLE: I wish you woulda said somethin.’ What’s up?

    JENNA: When you told Abby I was spoiled because I’m an only child, it made it sound like I’m a brat. And I’m NOT!

    NICOLE: I’m sorry. I was just kidding

   JENNA: Yeah, but it wasn’t funny. It hurt my feelings.

   NICOLE: I’ll never do it again. I promise.

  JENNA: Um, do you really think I’m spoiled?

  NICOLE: NO! I just got jealous because you got a phone and there’s too many kids in my family for me to have one. Do you hate me?

   JENNA: Hellooo! You’re my best friend!

GOT GOD? Jesus is pretty clear on this. girl-with-bible-2In Matthew 18: 15, he says, “If a fellow (which means anybody you love) hurts you, go and tell him  — work it out, between the two of you.” (The Message) Can’t argue with that.

TALKING TO GOD JOURNAL: But you CAN pour it all out to God. The hurt you’re afraid to bring up with your friend because she might say you’re a total baby and need to get over it. rara's cover The silent treatment your BFF is giving you and you don’t know why. God wants to hear all of it.

COMMENT: And we’d like to hear some of it. If you want to post a comment tell us which you tend to be — the one who holds back and hopes your friend will get it, or the one who’s always trying to figure out what is going ON with your CFF. unr-library And of course we want to know if this post has helped you. Because, well — we can’t read your minds!

Blessings, Nancy Rue

 

April Mini-Makers …

foot surgeryHello my precious Tribelet of Mini-makers. Tomorrow I’m having some surgery. It’s nothing serious — I’ll be FINE — but it has taken a lot of preparation to get ready.

I didn’t want to rush through the April Mini-Makers post. It’s way too important for me to do a hurry-up job. So this time, you’ll see it in May, when I’m back to my desk.

You WILL have your regular posts, though, thanks to Hannah. Let’s hear it for that amazing lady.

Blessings and love —

Nancy Rue