Hello, Tribelet of Amazing Mini-Women! Hannah here, with our next Friendship Flub … The Green-eyed Monster.
We all know what that means right? Jealousy. Someone else has something, and we want it so badly that we start looking at them in a mean way. And then the trouble REALLY starts.
WHAT IT ISN’T:
Now, it not ALWAYS wrong to want something that someone else has. Maybe your BFF is really good at art, and you seeing her draw pushes you to put more effort into sketching something every day, to get better. Maybe another CFF is great at running, and you wish you were, so you start walking and jogging a little more to get in shape. Sometimes wanting what someone else has inspires us to be better people, and that’s not wrong!
WHAT IT IS:
What would be wrong is this: “Ugh she’s so good at art, what a snob. She just can draw something right off the bat, how annoying.” OR “She runs constantly, like, get a life.”
See what happened there? We called our friend a snob, annoying, and told her to get a life.
Yikes. Um, not nice.
We might think thoughts like that aren’t THAT bad. Hey, we were just having a bad day, and we didn’t say it to her face. We were just a little annoyed, we let off some steam, and we’re good now.
WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE OF IT:
But mini-women, I have bad news for those of us who think and mutter negative stuff. That stuff poisons us from the inside out! Our hearts and minds get twisted and ugly and soon enough (even if your friends don’t know this) we’re just a grumpy old troll, thinking grouchy thoughts all day. And that CAN’T be good for a friendship, am I right?
Jealousy is a poison. It really is.
And the hilarious thing about jealousy is EVERYONE does it, and it’s always about different things. Your artsy friend might think about you, “She finishes her homework so early, and it’s always done so well. I get distracted so much; I just can’t keep up with her.”
Meanwhile, you think your artsy friend is so perfect and of course SHE would never be jealous of anything because again, she’s so perfect. Baloney!
HOW TO FIX IT:
You can’t help it when jealous thoughts show up in your head. But you CAN help letting them hang out there. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Here’s how:
(1) Admit, at least to yourself, that you’re jealous. Don’t blame it on your friend because she has something good going for her.
(2) Accept that everybody has both talents AND flaws. No point wishing you were perfect like your BFF because, um, she isn’t!
(3) Realize that even though jealousy is human, it isn’t an excuse for treating your friend badly. She hasn’t done anything wrong.
(4) Turn your jealousy into a compliment. Tell her you’re proud of her. Celebrate with her. It feels way better than pouting.
(5) Develop your OWN fabulous talents. You’ll be so busy enjoying being you, there won’t be room for being jealous of anyone else
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30
Pretty clear choice eh girls? Life or rot. Not really much room for gray areas. Let’s lean on God here and be at peace with who we are.
In your Talking to God Journals this week, ask God to show you areas that you are feeling jealous towards your friends. Ask God for some positive words you can say about your friends when you’re feeling that green eyed monster creeping up. And definitely ask God to show you that you are pretty amazing yourself.
Want to post a comment? Tell us what makes jealousy flash its monster eyes in YOUR head. We can pray about it together!
As always, I’ll go first. There’s probably lots of times I get jealous, but a big one for me is clothes and makeup. I’m just not good at makeup and I don’t have a lot of trendy clothes, so I can definitely feel jealous about it, when I see someone who’s gorgeous and put together perfectly.
Love you mini-women! Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.
Hello Amazing Tribelet of Mini-Women! Hannah, here. I am LOVING this Friendship series. You’re never too young — or too OLD! – to learn how to be a better friend.
This week’s topic has us splitting people into 2 categories. Think about which kind of friend you tend to be as you read through this post.
We’re talking about the Boots …vs. the Doormat
Are you the Boots? The friend who always decides what you’re gonna do on girls’ night? The friend who has to win every argument? Who gets annoyed when people think differently from her?
In case you’re thinking that Boots Friend sounds awful, hold on. Doormat Friend isn’t much better.
Maybe you’re the Doormat. You get your feelings hurt or get annoyed at a comment but you say nothing. Or your CFFs ask you what movie you want to watch, but you say every time “I don’t know.” You have deep thoughts and ideas and opinions but, once again, you never say them!
Boots Friend is too bossy and Doormat Friend doesn’t have self-confidence. What a pair, right?
Now, before you think that both of these kinds of people sound like not so-great-friends, let’s put a positive spin on this real quick.
Boots may have seen a movie last week that was SO awesome and she cares about you so much that she knows you just HAVE to see it. She knows that you’ll be so blown away, and she wants you to give it a chance. She’s not trying to be bossy – she wants to have fun with you!
And Doormat, when she won’t tell you where she wants to eat, or admit that your comment about her new leggings looking weird hurt her feelings – she’s choosing grace instead of conflict. She’s happy to hang out with you and so she’ll watch whatever movie. And she knows you didn’t try to hurt her feelings about your clothes, so she sees no reason to get into a tiff about it.
Still, no matter what group you’re in, there’s room for improvement.
Boots girls, you’ve gotta remember that other people have a voice. If you get together with someone, and later you think, “Wow that was so fun. We did everything I wanted to do tonight”, then remind yourself that you aren’t the only one in this friendship. Decide that next time you’re going to go to the volleyball game with your besties even though you can’t stand sports. Because your friends matter just as much as you do. And seriously, you don’t want to get to the point where they don’t want to hang out with anymore. Yes?
And Doormat girls, God gave you vocal chords and a brain for more than just raising your hand and giving the answer in math class. Think about what you want and speak up. Sure, it’s fun to hang out with friends, but not if you can never eat the food they bring, or you never like the movies they pick. That might only make you a little grumpy the first time, but guess what? Grumpiness grows. It simmers and boils and gets hotter and hotter over time and suddenly you blow up at your BFF. And she has NO idea what you’re talking about because you waited forever to say anything.
When I was writing this, one verse kept coming to mind.
Let your conversation always be full of grace, seasoned with salt… (Colossians 4:6a)
It kept sticking in my head because it’s such a good reminder of how to talk to people. Salt in this case stands for truth. So your words should be FULL of grace, but seasoned lightly with salt. I mean, what would mashed potatoes taste like without some seasoning, right?
In other words, say the truth about how you’re feeling about what movie the girls picked, but say it with grace — sensitive to their feelings. Don’t hit them over the head with the truth in the name of, well, telling the truth! Choose grace instead, and you’ll get your point across.
Graceless: You know what? If I have to watch one more Disney movie, my head is going to explode. Enough with the princesses already!
Gracefull: Can we look at our other choices? I think we might be Disneyed out right now.
That goes for Doormat and Boots alike. See the difference?
In your Talking to God journals this week, have a chat with God about which kind of friend you tend to be. How can you speak up before you explode, or be less bossy when it comes to making friend-group decisions. Ask God about ideas to make your friendships more balanced and equal. After all, it was God who created the whole idea of girlfriends in the first place.
And chat with me in your comments, will you? What do you think you are, Boots or Doormat? What do you like about it, and what do you, well, not like so much?
Me? I’m a Doormat for sure! I never want to speak up and cause a ruckus! But in the end, I don’t want to be walked over either. I’m learning to slowly raise my hand and say, “Hey, I don’t think I like this. Could we try something else?”
Love ya mini-women, Boots and Doormat both!
Hannah P.S. Don’t forget submissions for the April Mini-Makers post are due to Nancy by Monday, April 17. Just attach your stories, pictures, photos or poems to an email to Nancy.
Hello, amazing Tribelet of Mini-Women! And welcome Donita, our newest member. If I’ve missed anyone please let Hannah and me know in a comment.
So, how are you liking the Friendship Flubs series? Is it helping? Some of you, like Rebekah, have asked questions about some FF problems we haven’t covered yet and we appreciate that. Now we know what topics you want to hear about — and we’re on it.
TODAY we’re going to talk about The Mind Reading Game. You know the one …
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE:
This is when friends expect each other to know what they’re thinking and feeling without having to say anything. It’s like being best friends means you can see into each other’s brains.
EXAMPLE: You and your friend are having lunch at school. Everything is going great, and then all of a sudden she stops talking to you. You ask what’s going on but all she’ll say is, “You know what you did.” You sort through your entire brain trying to figure out what the Sam Hill she’s talking about. You ask again. You beg. Then you yell, and she yells back, “You took my cupcake!” But you didn’t take her cupcake. Some absurd little creep boy did, and he’s been laughing the whole time. Your friend wasted a whole afternoon over THAT.
WHAT IT ISN’T: Close friends can sometimes finish each other’s sentences, but a REAL friend should be able to come right out and says she’s mad or upset and why. Especially if YOU have made it safe for her to say what she needs to without worrying you’ll pinch her head off. If your friend can’t read YOUR mind, it definitely isn’t a reason NOT to be friends. Besides, do we WANT people to know everything we’re thinking? That’s a little scary!
WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE OF IT:
Friends who fall into the mind-reading trap can make big holes in their friendships instead of talking things out. One friend ends up telling everybody ELSE what she’s mad about EXCEPT for the one person who actually needs to know. And as for, “If you don’t know then you’re not really my friend!” … that’s going to take you nowhere you want to go.
HOW TO FIX IT:
Here are some steps that might help you:
(1) Decide you’re not going to expect your friend to know what’s bothering you. You can’t read HER mind, so why do you think she can read yours?
(2) If your friend has hurt your feelings or she’s getting on your last nerve, be honest with her. You don’t have to yell. Just say it the way you would want her to say it to you.
(3) Don’t share your issues with her to everybody else on the planet — or even one or two other people. She’s the only one who needs to hear about it, unless you want to run it by an adult you trust first.
(4) If your friend expects you to read HER mind, remind her that’s not one of your many talents. Assure her you’re not going to blow up in her face when she tells you what’s wrong. And then , of course, DON’T blow up!
(5) Make a pledge with your friends that you’re always going to try to work things out.
NICOLE: Are you made at me?
JENNA: Yeah, kinda.
NICOLE: I wish you woulda said somethin.’ What’s up?
JENNA: When you told Abby I was spoiled because I’m an only child, it made it sound like I’m a brat. And I’m NOT!
NICOLE: I’m sorry. I was just kidding
JENNA: Yeah, but it wasn’t funny. It hurt my feelings.
NICOLE: I’ll never do it again. I promise.
JENNA: Um, do you really think I’m spoiled?
NICOLE: NO! I just got jealous because you got a phone and there’s too many kids in my family for me to have one. Do you hate me?
JENNA: Hellooo! You’re my best friend!
GOT GOD? Jesus is pretty clear on this. In Matthew 18: 15, he says, “If a fellow (which means anybody you love) hurts you, go and tell him — work it out, between the two of you.” (The Message) Can’t argue with that.
TALKING TO GOD JOURNAL: But you CAN pour it all out to God. The hurt you’re afraid to bring up with your friend because she might say you’re a total baby and need to get over it. The silent treatment your BFF is giving you and you don’t know why. God wants to hear all of it.
COMMENT: And we’d like to hear some of it. If you want to post a comment tell us which you tend to be — the one who holds back and hopes your friend will get it, or the one who’s always trying to figure out what is going ON with your CFF. And of course we want to know if this post has helped you. Because, well — we can’t read your minds!
Hello Amazing Tribelet of Mini-Women. Okay, a question right off the bat: what is better on earth than having friends? Okay, maybe eating chocolate … although chocolate is gone in a matter of seconds, and friends last forever. That’s why we all them CFFs, right? (Close Friends Forever)
But DO they last for all time? Um, not always, and sometimes that’s because of Friendship Flubs. They’re those things that happen between girlfriends that go like this:
1. It starts off as just irritating. AnNOYing
2. Then it really begins to get on your last nerve (as we say here in the South)
3. One or both of you gets pretty sick of it
4. You aren’t enjoying each other any more (like, you want that chick to just HUSH UP!)
5. Your friendship shrivels up and goes away — or it comes to a Drama Queen end
But it doesn’t have to happen that way. And if we learn how to fix those Friendship Flubs before they start driving us nuts, those girlfriends of ours will stick around a whole lot longer. You really CAN end up being roommates in college.
In this new series, Hannah and I are going to talk with you about 6 different Flubs, and we’ll do it this way:
* What the Flub looks like
* What happens because of it
* How to fix it
* Got God? (How the Bible’s teachings give us answers)
So what do you say we get started with — wait for it —-
THE RUMOR TUMOR
WHAT THE RUMOR TUMOR LOOKS LIKE:
“I heard that she …” “I don’t know if this is true but I kind of think it is …” “Okay, A told me that B told her that she actually saw C …” “You are not going to believe …”
Everybody leans in to hear — and the teller is the center of attention, which feels pretty good. This is the third, fourth, or fifth time it’s been told so the rumor has grown … like a tumor. It might have started out as something true, a little bit true, or just a big fat lie. But by the time it spreads, it’s totally false. And usually hurtful to the person it’s about.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A RUMOR TUMOR SPREADS?
* Lies are told (never a good thing)
* Feelings get hurt
* The girl being talked about gets a reputation she doesn’t deserve
* People refuse to believe it ISN’T true even when it’s proven to be false
* Girls have actually had to CHANGE SCHOOLS OR CHURCHES because of rumors spread about them … by their own friends.
HOW TO FIX IT
Step One — Find out if the “news” is true. How? Ask the person who’s being talk about, of course. She’s the only one who really knows if she’s actually being suspended for cheating. Or just use common sense. “Madison’s mother has been married 16 times?” Really?
Step Two — If the answer is “No, it isn’t true,” STOP IT RIGHT THERE. Refuse to breathe another word about it. If other people are discussing it (growing it) bring out your one-liner: “Hey, has anybody seen anything purple today?” Or simply say, “Are you serious? That is so not true!”
Step Three — If the answer is “Yes, it’s true,” ask yourself, “Will it help the person being talked about if I tell this to someone else?”
*If no, it wouldn’t help, STOP IT RIGHT THERE. Just because Cassidy actually DOES have 6 toes on each foot doesn’t mean you need to tell everybody and their brother. Why embarrass her? Right?
*If yes, it would help to tell someone, TELL THE RIGHT PERSON. Not everybody in the entire sixth grade class. Not even your other CFFs. Tell the person who could actually help Ashley who has stopped eating, or Shelby who’s really depressed because her parents are fighting. We’re talking a counselor or your mom.
I can hear you now: Isn’t that tattling? Actually, no. TATTLING is used to get somebody IN trouble. TELLING (reporting) is used to get somebody OUT of trouble. Telling the right person isn’t like, “Katie is always picking her no-ose.” (think kindergarten). It’s like, “Abby cries in the bathroom everyday before school and she won’t tell us what’s wrong and we’re worried about her.”
In case all of that is confusing, this diagram might help:
Got God? “It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can … set the whole world up in smoke.” (James 3, The Message)
Let’s get out those TALKING TO GOD JOURNALS and pour out where we are with the Rumor Tumor. Is there some asking for forgiveness that needs to happen?
Do you need help being strong enough not to join in when a rumor tumor is being fed? Do you need some God-comfort because people are saying stuff about YOU? Spill it. God hears. God helps.
If you want to post a comment, and we hope you do, tell us which part of the Rumor Tumor diagram is the hardest for you to do? Stop entering into the gossip? Bring up another topic? Tell someone who can help? Refuse to believe juicy things that really are ridiculous? Share, so we can all pray for each other. And so Hannah and I can help in our comments to YOU.
And don’t forget that stories pictures, photos and poems for Mini-Makers need to be in my email in-box by April 17!