BULLY OR BOSSY?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Hello, Tribelet, and welcome back to Wednesdays with Nancy! You are doing so GREAT with the challenges — especially the stop-talking-trash one I issued last week. These Tribelet Members are working on it.                      MEGGIEBEAR    KAYLEE    KEILAH                                                                                EVE  ANA  HALLE BELLE  ADIE

As MEGGIEBEAR said, “It’s harder than it appears!” Keep working on it and report in when you’ve gone for 6 days without saying anything negative about that friend, sibling, absurd little creep boy … mother! To answer your question NIMI, it’s never too late to meet a challenge.

And guess who met this one? Drum roll please …

MEDOMFO!!!!

Medomfo, you now have 47 points,  which means you only need 3 more for a Skype session with me.   How cool is that, Tribelet?

We’re on a roll here, so let’s keep going (even as some of you catch up on the Rumor Tumor challenge)

I’m going to ask a question today that I hope will help you sort out a situation that some of you have come up against. MEGGIEBEAR brought this to my attention. She shared this:

     “I have a friend who is hard to deal with. If she brings something for all of us to play with, she ends up having it the whole time. She is also kind of bossy.”

MEGGIEBEAR also shared how she dealt with that (and earned points for it!) but I thought we should look at the whole BOSSY thing a little more closely.

Here’s the question: what is the difference between bullying and being bossy?

Bullying is all ABOUT being bossy. As in, people who bully think they are the boss of EVERYONE. (Remember when you were little and you’d say, “You are not the boss of me?”) It’s like their career or something.

But people, like MEGGIEBEAR’s friend, can be bossy without purposely doing it to hurt people or put them down. They just like to have their own way. OR they think their way is the best for everybody. OR they haven’t figured out that nobody likes it when they take charge.

So what do we do about that, Tribelet?

I’m going to ask YOU to offer some suggestions this time . If you want to earn 5 points tell us (in a comment) how you would deal with the BOSSY GIRL, using (and this is the important part) things you’ve learned here on Wednesdays or from the Code Cards or, well, anything from the Mean Girl Makeover or jointhetribelet.com.

And, not to sound bossy, but, do it by next Wednesday, July 1 … please!

Blessings,

The Oldest Elder, Nancy Rue

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An Apology from Elder Melle

Hello, wonderful ladies! A couple of you brought it to my attention that you’d submitted questions that haven’t been answered! I am SO sorry that happened. It looks like the for on the Ask The Elders page was broken. I have it fixed now. Please, if you haven’t gotten an answer, re-submit your question, and we’ll get to it ASAP. Thanks, as always for your support, and your patience. We couldn’t do it without you. – Melle

The Rumor Tumor

YCSWU-4Helloooooo, Tribelet, and welcome to Wednesday Afternoon with Nancy … only this week, it’s Thursday!

Thanks for checking in yesterday and coming back today. We have a LOT  to talk about, so let’s get started.

First — FOUR of you took those Baby Steps we talked about last week to help somebody who is hard to be around feel more included. These Tribelet members earned five (5!) more points, which means some of you are getting  WAY close to the 50 you need for a Skype session with me. The  Baby Steppers are …

MEDOMFO    ANA   HALLE BELLE    KAYLEE

You might not see it yet, but you’ve changed at least a few minutes of somebody’s life, and that person won’t forget. As MELLE said in her comment: “That. Is. Perfection.”

THEN I asked if anybody could guess from yesterday’s picture post what our next topic was going to be and these Mini-Women guessed right, so they’ve earned 2 more points each!

THE LITTLE FLOWER   MEGGIEBEAR    MEDOMFO   KAYLEE

And what is that next topic they got right away?

GOSSIP AND RUMORS

This one is REALLY hard because it doesn’t seem like bullying when we first get into it, right? You know how it is:

     * You know some little piece of information about somebody. It might even be true.

     * You just happen to share it with someone else. And when you do, that person’s eyes get big  and she leans in closer and …

      * You feel pretty important. There’s nothing like a shared secret to make you feel like you belong.

     * Until the person you’ve been talking ABOUT hears about it and — ouch — feelings hurt — uh-oh — friendship damaged — and suddenly you aren’t to be trusted

     * Even if you’re brave and apologize to the person and try to tell people that the thing got out of hand … people kind of LIKE to believe bad stuff about somebody and the Gossip doesn’t stop

    Don’t you know that poor kid who everybody SAYS picked his nose constantly in second grade and even now when you’re in sixth he’s still known as Booger Boy? Do YOU want to be responsible for him practically having to change schools to lose that reputation? OR him turning into a bully himself to get everybody off his back?

The best thing to do then, Tribelet, is to stop gossip before it turns into a rumor that grows like a  tumor and kills a little something in a person. This is the diagram I use when I’m taking to groups of girls. It’s a little hard to see but I’ll walk you through it.

Rumor TUmor

    1. When you hear a piece of information about a person, first find out if it’s true. And who do you ask? The person the information is ABOUT. I mean, who else really knows the truth, right?

2. If it isn’t true, you just refuse to pass it on. When somebody says, “Hey, did you hear about Caroline?” you say, “Hey, have you seen anything purple today?” Or, of course, you can say, “Actually that isn’t true and I’m not going there.” You don’t have to lecture people. Just STOP.

3. If it IS true, ask yourself whether it would help Caroline (or whoever) if you tell it. Does the entire sixth grade class need to know that her parents are getting a divorce? Will that help her? Not even a little bit, so use your same answer from #2.

4. If the person really does need help with whatever it is — she’s making straight Fs in math or she’s not eating her lunch because she thinks she’s fat — tell someone who can help her — and let her know you’re going to do it. Take her with you to the counselor or the youth pastor or her mom. But nobody else needs to know.

That’s the cure for the rumor tumor.

If you have any questions, ask in a comment and Melle or I will answer.

And here’s your challenge: you can earn 5 points (for some of you, this will bring you to 50!) if you can go for 6 days (that’s until Wednesday, June  24) without saying anything negative about someone behind her back. Since that’s going to be a HUGE challenge, Let’s do this:

     Choose ONE person you have a habit of badmouthing when she/he is not around. That could be a sibling, a parent, anybody in your life who you tend to say not-all-that-kind things about. Focus on refusing to say any of those things for 6 days.

     It will help if you replace whatever you would usually say with something positive. Rather than, “She is always using my stuff in the bathroom because she doesn’t have any consideration for anybody else and I hate that about her,” you might say, “She has great dental hygiene.” Get the idea?

The hard part will be not letting someone else pull you into that kind of conversation, especially if it’s usually pretty delicious when you get going. You might need to let your fellow gossipers know you won’t be licking your chops over the latest details any more. I once gave up gossip for Lent and some of my friends told me I wasn’t any fun anymore!

Are you up for it, Tribelet? If you want to make a comment right away — and then come back and let us know you’ve met the challenge later, share with us who you’re going to protect from your tongue between now and Wednesday. We’ll have your back.

If you read this post sometime after Thursday, June 18, that’s okay. Just let us know when you’ve met the challenge for 6 days, no matter when that is.

You can do this!

Blessings, Nancy Rue

NEW CHALLENGE … TOMORRROW!

gossip Helloooo Tribelet! Look at this — you taught me how to use different colors and sizes! Just goes to show: if you have a tech challenge, ask a kid!

Speaking of challenges … you met last week’s “test” to see if you could take  a baby step forward with somebody who is really really (and did I mention really?) hard to be around sometimes (or maybe all the time). Several of you amazing tribelet members earned more points for that (AND changed somebody’s life a little) , and you’ll hear all about that TOMORROW. Right here.

AND I’ll explain a new challenge. TOMORROW. Right here. If you want to comment TODAY, see if you can guess from the picture above what that new challenge is going to be about. You’ll earn TWO points for guessing correctly.

SO … I’ll see you here TOMORROW afternoon. Can’t wait!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

Baby Steps

babysteps    Helloooo, Tribelet! Welcome to After School Wednesday! A lot of you are probably OUT of school for the summer right now, so if you want to think of this as Wednesdays With Nancy and the Tribelet for the next couple of months, that totally works for me.

Before we go on to this week’s TRIBELET CHALLENGE …. the Live Anti-Bulying Broadcast went GREAT! If you didn’t get to  see it, you can now watch it on YouTube. Just click here!  Tell us what you think.

We didn’t get to ALL the questions (there were over 40!), so we’ve decided to do some mini-videos to answer the rest — and you’ll be able to get to them right from our blog — right here. How cool is that?

Speaking of all those QUESTIONS … a BUNCH of you earned points for submitting questions for the Broadcast. Here you go:

MEDOMFO — 25   HALLE BELLE –25  ALYSSA — 5  NIMI — 5

EVE — 20     LARISA — 5     ANA — 10

KAYLEE — 25    CAITLIN — 5    ANNELIE   — 5

Add that to points you’ve already earned and some of you are getting close to the magic 50 — which means you get a Skype date with me. I am REALLY looking forward to those.

Before I introduce the next Tribelet challenge, I want to tell you a story. It’s a true story, and in fact ANNELIE and I are going to tell it together.

This is the email she sent me last Thursday:

Hey, nancy. Annelie here.

I have a dilemma. I have my school tour tomorrow and teacher picked who we are to sit next to on the bus. It was mainly for one kid; Dylan. I was picked to sit next to him. Actually I wasn’t. Another girl was picked but he doesn’t like her so teacher changed it for him. Not fair! Loads of people are sitting beside people they don’t like and they don’t get to change!

Anyway, I don’t like Dylan. He puts his finger down his throat to make himself sick and picks his nose and all stuff like that. I have to sit beside him. I don’t know what to say to him or anything. I don’t want to be mean and ignore him but he has a lisp and I don’t understand half of what he says. What do I do??????? Please help. If you could reply soon because the tour is tomorrow.

ANNELIE sounded pretty desperate so I answered her that night:

Dear Annelie,

I’m so sorry your big day tomorrow has a shadow hanging over it. Big sigh.

At least Dylan doesn’t sound like someone who’s going to be mean to you. He might be a little more gross than your usual boy, but at least he’s not a bully. So there’s that.

The issue is that it will be hard for YOU not to be mean to HIM, even if you don’t mean to. Here’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking your teacher sat you with poor Dylan because she knew you would probably be nicer to him than anyone else. I know that doesn’t seem fair. How come you have to sacrifice your good time so some other kid won’t be bullied. Yeah. Life’s not fair sometimes. The thing is, you don’t have to be paired up with him the whole day, right? Just on the bus? So …
This is your chance to behave like Jesus. You don’t have to become his BFF, but you CAN:
1. Smile and say hi when you sit down next to him
2. Don’t act like he has cooties. Just treat him like you would anybody else
3. Offer him something that you’re allowed to have on the bus — gum, a piece of candy, whatever
4. Ask him questions– even if you can’t understand the answers. Are you jazzed about the tour? Did you see that …? What was your fave part of today?
5. You’ll probably be talking to your friend on the bus. Once in a while, include him in the conversation. Even if it’s just making eye contact and smiling.

There are 2 drawbacks to acting like Jesus. One, he might think you like him and follow you around. That’s okay. It’ll pass. Two, your friends may say ooh, why are you being nice to him. Then you can tell them.

Let me know how it goes, okay?

She did let me know. This is where the story REALLY gets good:

It went great!!!

He was really nice and he joined in the conversations for a while and then fell asleep. I made sure he was included in the games we played, if he wanted. We had a very interesting discussion on Star Wars.

Thank you so much for the advice. Everyone around me followed my lead and when he looked a bit ill they asked me if he was okay. My friend didn’t have to sit beside him in the end.

Before we got on the bus I said a prayer that I would be kind. Thanks for your prayers as well.

Annelie xxx

Wow. Do you see what happened there, Tribelet? A couple of things:

DYLAN had a great day — a day that could have miserable for him.

ANNELIE had a great day — a day she could have spent feeling sorry for herself and being funky

ALL HER FRIENDS saw firsthand how to be with somebody who is, well, hard to be with.

It was a WIN WIN WIN situation — all because ANNELIE respected the dignity of another human being.

And here’s the deal: she didn’t try to change the whole world — or the whole school — or her whole school. She didn’t even try to change DYLAN. She just took some baby steps in the right direction.

So here’s YOUR challenge, Tribelet — and I would put this in red but I don’t know how yet. (Miss MELLE — help!) How about caps and bold?

FOR 5 POINTS, TAKE ONE BABY STEP IN THE DIRECTION OF RESPECTING THE DIGNITY OF SOMEBODY WHO IS HARD, HARD, HARD TO BE AROUND OR GET ALONG WITH. THIS CAN BE ONE OF YOUR SIBLINGS, THE KID AT CHURCH WHO MAKES THOSE DISGUSTING NOISES WITH HIS ARMPIT, THE KID WHO GETS LEFT OUT AT SUMMER CAMP, OR EVEN THE MEAN GIRL AT SWIMMING LESSONS. EVERYBODY NEEDS TO BE RESPECTED FOR WHO THEY ARE. TAKE ONE BABY STEP AND TELL US WHAT IT WAS.

I know who I’m  going to step toward …. I’ll share when you do.

Blessings,  .

Nancy Rue

The eldest of the Elders!

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SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT!

broadcast ad 2 HELLOOOOO, TRIBELET. Welcome to After School Wednesdays! We ran into a snag last week, but that’s fixed now and we’ll be with you on Wednesday afternoon from now on —  including during the summer. That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Today I want to especially welcome our two new Tribelet members, NIMI and ZOOEY. We’re so glad you’ve joined us. Yikes — our blog tribelet is growing!

And so are YOUR Tribelets. ANA and ADIE have become a Tribelet of two — sisters make great Tribelets. KAYLEE now has a Tribelet of SEVEN — she’s included grown-ups and even some …. BOYS! You can have anybody you want in your group as long as everybody’s comfortable with each other.. I hope that helps some of you who were feeling kind of alone in this.

Not only do you HAVE Tribelets, you’re working on the challenges we’re giving you here on our Wednesday Tribelet meeting. Remember that if you/your Tribelet earns 50 points, you get a Skype or speaker phone session with me — for as many people as you want to gather. Here’s how we’re doingr:. These Mini-Women and their Tribelets have 10 points each so far:

NIMI     HALLE BELLE    EVE    ANA/ADIE   THELITTLEFLOWER    KAYLEE AND COMPANY    MEDOMFO

All of you took the challenge two weeks ago (“Let’s Try This Again”) to use the Gold Thumb. If you haven’t tried that challenge, just go back to that post and go for it. It’s never to late to help somebody.

So, what’s our next challenge? See that ad at the top? It’s about the Google+ Hangout that three of the Tribelet Elders (Sarah, Melody and Paige) and I are going to broadcast LIVE this Sunday afternoon at 2:00 Central Time. We’ll be answering questions that are submitted beforehand about bullying and other things about friendships that are hard. You’ll be able to watch, and then later you can watch again on YouTube. In fact, if you can’t make it Sunday, that will be there for you.

How can you join in?

* Submit questions to me (Nancy) at nnrue@att.net by Saturday, June 6.

* Tell your friends and their moms about it

* On Sunday, just before 2:00, go to the ad on the jointhetriblet website for the link to get to the Hangout

* Hang out with us!

* Watch again later on YouTube!

.Now, about those questions — and this is where earning points comes in. For every question you submit, you’ll receive 5 points (up to 25 for this challenge) We want the questions to come from the mini-women == that’s You. So even if you’ve asked a question about bullying before and we’ve answered it — whether on this blog or TweenYouandMe or Ask the Elders, or even to me personally in an email — submit it as a question again. That’s because even though you now know the answer, a bunch of other people don’t.

For example, in a comment on our last post here, NIMI said, “Does being left out have to just mean being left out by a group?”, I’m going to answer that now, but I’m also going to include it in Sunday’s questions. This is MY answer, but the Tribelet Elders might have something to add that they think of on the spot while we’re all talking.

NIMI, if someone is leaving you out ON PURPOSE TO MAKE YOU MISERABLE, that’s bullying. If someone just forgets to include you in something she’s thoughtless, but not necessarily a bully. It’s all about WHY. If you have a “friend” who has stopped calling you, inviting you over, telling you her secrets and you realize she’s doing it just so you’ll think you’re a loser, she’s bullying you. My advice? She’s not a person you can trust. Even if she makes it up to you now, what are the chances she’ll do it again? Your best bet is to look for friends who LIKE you, who LIKE to spend time with you, who LIKE the things you like. Then INCLUDE them. I know that’s hard – and I know it hurts. It’s been my experience, though, that when you let go of something that’s bad for you, you make room for something that’s good.One thing is for sure –you will never be left out here.

Okay, you have your challenge. Fill up my email inbox with questions you know other mini-women are going to want to know the answers to, and then if you can, join us Sunday. Spread the word too. Because we want yours to be the generation that stops the bullying … for GOOD!

Blessings,

Nancy Rue, The Eldest of the Elders!